Forwards and occasionally sidewards – everyday musings of life

I had completely forgotten the first golden rule of train travel in the UK: Never, ever eat food purchased on the train.

By lunchtime, the only food-like substance remaining in the buffet car was an ‘All-Day Sandwich’. They’re presumably called ‘All-Day’ because that’s precisely how long it takes to swallow the dry white bread—assuming you manage to coax it off the roof of your mouth with your tongue. Furthermore, the few mouthfuls you do manage to digest will cheerfully repeat on you for the remainder of the afternoon.

The second golden rule of UK train travel: Expect to be delayed. I failed to remember this one as well.


Apparently, ‘vandals’ caused the train into London to run late. I spent a good portion of the journey trying to imagine how a vandal manages to delay a 200-tonne, 125-mph train running on high-voltage electrified rails. Surely there are far easier, less hazardous targets available. Still, as I sprinted down Platform 13 at Euston with a mere five minutes to spare, I cursed them thoroughly; my delay meant I had missed the chance to pick up proper food before boarding the Glasgow service. I was now guaranteed to break Rule One and suffer the inevitable consequences.



In truth, Rule Two is less of a rule and more of an established law of physics. Virtually every in-train announcement I heard—most of which were thankfully muffled by my noise-cancelling headphones—began with detailed instructions on how to claim compensation for a delayed journey.

Delays are simply a given on British railways.



Rule Three: Travel extra light, because there is only room in your seating area for you and absolutely nothing else. The seat ‘table’ (read: plastic coaster) is just about large enough to accommodate an iPhone 1. It is certainly not designed to hold modern technology alongside a bottle of water—which you are 100% going to need if you stand any hope of lubricating that dry sandwich.



Rule Four: Avoid the onboard toilets at all costs. If you broke Rule One, you can safely skip this step because you’ll be so thoroughly bunged up that you won’t require facilities for days. If, however, you brought your own provisions, visiting the train toilet requires a full bio-hazard suit, a respirator mask, and industrial-grade hand sanitiser. The lethal combination of onboard catering and train bathrooms brings a dark new meaning to the old slogan, “Let the train take the strain.”



I finally arrived in a wet, dreary Glasgow exactly as anticipated: twenty minutes late. Thankfully, the hotel is only a short walk from the station, and Glasgow boasts some truly fantastic restaurants to offset the day’s culinary trauma.


I can hardly wait for the return journey on Wednesday.